


We've Been There

by curiositykills



Category: Big Bang (Band), GTOP (Band), K-pop
Genre: Angst and Feels, Canon Related, Future Fic, M/M, Two Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-05
Updated: 2017-11-04
Packaged: 2019-01-29 15:53:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 20,140
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12634317
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/curiositykills/pseuds/curiositykills
Summary: After three years Bigbang disbands, Seunghyun returns to Korea.Just when Seunghyun starts to look back, he never realized he has been out of the loop for too long." Things and people changes as time goes, they said..."





	1. First

 

 

 

_“The most difficult thing is myself. I don’t understand what type of person I am. I don’t know what I want or what I’m thinking.”  
—Choi Seung Hyun, Cosmo China 2016_

 

 

 

 

Stepping into the Incheon International Airport alone makes Seunghyun feels strange. Odd. It feels like a long time since he comes back to Korea, his country, a place he is supposed to call home. He can hear a loud screaming of fans barricade along the tape barrier with banners of his name in hand, a few of camera lenses wedge between people and there are even several fans holding up his latest movie poster, The Criminal. His manager holds him by the shoulder, ushering him towards the exit with a couple of bodyguards standing by the side, clearing a way for him.

Seunghyun halts in his steps as he spots a fangirl holding out a Bigbang’s light stick, wildly waving it in the midst of air. He smiles at her. It brings a lot of memories flooding back through his mind, remembering the time he used to being crowded in airport together along with the other members. It is warm seeing there are still many fans supporting him despite his long absence in Korea. It has been almost three years after all since Bigbang disbands and soon after that, Seunghyun had decided to continue paving his path as an actor. A bitter taste lingers at the tip of his tongue. He ducks down his head from the intense flashing cameras. His hand curls around the handle tight and drags the luggage along with him.

He glances at his watch. There are two hours more until the press conference. Seunghyun pulls his sunglasses to rub on his temples. He lets his chin rests on his palm. Eyes lingering outside the window, watching people casually walk across the city, body stuffed in furry coats due to decrease in temperature. There are pairs of couples laughing their heart out, hand in hand, a single mom with a child and a guy walking with a dog trailing behind. The picture makes his heart aches.

Seoul has changes a lot. It feels like visiting a foreign country. The food stall he used to pay visits three years ago is no longer there, was replaced by a French restaurant. The road back home feels immensely awkward. He opens the window and sticks out his hand on the other side, trying to reach for the overwhelming feeling, only to pull back as only mixture of emptiness clutches to his chest. The sense familiarity has disappeared. It’s not there.

Seunghyun quickly stuffs his hand in his pocket once he remembers something and drags out his mobile phone. As soon as he switches on his phone, several notifications drop in and Seunghyun finds himself smiling. He scrolls through the notifications. Smile faltering slightly. He stares hard at his phone, going through every unread message and missed calls.

Some of them are from his mother, telling him to give her a call if he’s arrived, and there is a few from Seungri, the company, Daesung and Youngbae.  Almost everyone has contacted him, except for one. He blinks, mouth trembling a little as he ponders. Sighing heavily, his fingers lightly tap against the screen, notifying everyone that he is finally back in Korea. Seunghyun drops his head low and wonders silently if he’s making the right decision to come back here.

 

 

 

 

 

The members have agreed to meet at the new sushi restaurant located in Gangnam, specially recommended by Seungri. It was known that the owner is a close friend of Seungri from Japan. It is only a little past 9 but Seungri already had his second drink by the time Seunghyun arrived. The younger one is loud as usual, smiling as Seunghyun slides next to him, pulling him in a hug. Daesung is grinning from ear to ear and says that Youngbae is probably going to be late because he has to meet producers for his upcoming solo album. He nods in understanding, eyes discreetly wandering around every corners of the room.

Four napkins settle prettily across the table catches his attention, he bits his lower lip. Seunghyun considers for a moment, fingers pulling at the collar when a waiter comes approaching their table. Skimming through the menu, his eyes lands on a picture of tuna sushi and Seunghyun taps his finger on the picture. His throat tightens.

He recalls that one time he and Jiyong flew together to Osaka. They had gone to a Japanese bar as soon as they arrived in Japan. The two of them were full of glees that night, knees knocking into each other as they laughed. He could remember how the younger’s eyes brightened under the dim light when Seunghyun placed sashimi in his plate. It was absurd how they can finish fifty-one plates by themselves. Sushi has always been their favourite, their own thing.

He hears Daesung orders Sushi Premium platter and Chef’s special menu for them. He returns the menu without ordering anything. Seungri adds Beef Udon for four people a bit later and Seunghyun swallows down water in one-shot. It tastes bitter, like a disappointment.

“Congrats on your new movie, hyung! I’ve watched it last week and it’s really good” Daesung quips, clinking their cups altogether. Seunghyun laughs at his enthusiasm and mutter his thanks. Youngbae, who had arrived thirty minutes later, nods in agreement.

“Did you cry at the end?” Seunghyun sips from his cup before picking up his chopsticks back again. He munches on a sushi he stole from Seungri’s plate. The latter had whined in return.

“Nope. Do I have to?” Daesung answers, blinking his eyes repeatedly just to annoy him. This kid. Senghyun scowls and quickly curls his arm around to pull the younger into a headlock. Youngbae just shakes his head at the sight of them playing around as he finishes the last bit of his noodles, smiling.

“We were so surprised at your acting. Seriously, you improved a lot, hyung” Seungri says, grinning. Seunghyun lets go of Daesung and rubs on his arm in comfort, humming. Does Seungri mean we as in the three of them only or Youngbae, Daesung, Seungri and Jiy—Seunghyun shakes his head. He ignores at the way his stomach lurched.

Sometime after they finished their dinner, Seunghyun decides to spill the question that’s been teetering on his lips. “How’s Jiyong?”

The silence prolonged for a moment as if they were taken a back. Youngbae stares hard on his cup and Seungri looks away. Only Daesung gives him a smile, a faint one though and Seunghyun is starting to wonder if they were planning to avoid from talking about their leader the whole night. His stomach twists, feeling dreadful in a sudden.

“Jiyong hyung” Daesung starts in a careful tone but Seungri touches his arm lightly with a shake of head. It makes Seunghyun smile.

Jiyong has been someone special to Seungri after all so it is normal for him to feel protective of his beloved leader. He remembers that one time Hyunsuk hyung used to lash out at Seungri for breaking the company’s protocol. Jiyong had pulled the poor boy in a hug, held his hands even as he defended Seungri. They have always got each other’s back for whatever happens. Seunghyun is jealous of their relationship, he wishes he could have one like that.

But he had been too selfish, too self-centred.

“Jiyong has been busy, as usual. The YG’s girl group is making a comeback soon. You know how Hyunsuk hyung depends on him a lot” Youngbae said, his voice is warm as if consoling.

“You should come to his new café in Itaewon, it’s really gorgeous”

The guy pours him a drink in his empty cup and Seunghyun watches Youngbae’s eyes curls in a crescent shape. The gaze is still the same as years ago except there are wrinkles at the end of his eyes and eye bags, traces of exhaustion from sleepless night. Seunghyun thinks of whether Jiyong still looks the same as three years ago or did he change somehow. He wanted to pry even more but Seungri had shoved drinks in his face so he forgets his intention and downed the drink in one go.

They continue chatting about Seungri’s recent variety program where he’s the main MC for local television show, alongside with Jung Hyungdon. Seunghyun is glad to see Seungri has finally established a place in their country. He laughs a little too loudly when Daesung talks about how Seungri used to loiter around girl group’s waiting room every time they’re promoting for music show.

It was a good time.

Before the clock strikes one in the morning, Youngbae decided to part ways and go home. Seungri was too full of giggles and Daesung can barely comprehend any word then so Seunghyun just nodded his head dazedly. It was when Youngbae’s the only left in the room that Seunghyun managed to mount courage and asked for Jiyong’s number. The guy drew up a confused eyebrow at his request.

“I have—I’ve tried to call him but apparently he changed his number” Seunghyun calmly explains that he can’t reach Jiyong’s old number because no matter how many times he tried, his calls would be left unanswered. Seunghyun runs through his dark locks frustratingly.

At first, Youngbae seems a bit hesitant but then he gives an encouraging pat on his shoulder upon slipping Jiyong’s number under Seunghyun’s palm, unreadable smile fixes on his face.

“He still didn’t know that you’re back. I— _We_ think that you guys should talk” Youngbae pauses as if constructing his words into something better to hear. He just shrugs his shoulder and squeezes on Seunghyun’s shoulder firmly.

“Give him a call. I’m sure he’ll be happy to hear from you” Youngbae mumbles before he pulls out his car from the parking lot. Seunghyun considers on what he should reply to that. Instead, he settles with a smile and asks Youngbae to send his regards to Min Hyorin. The guy just chuckles in reply and waves his hand out from the car window.

 

 

 

 

 

The night is getting late and the darkness is looming over him makes his head spins. When he walks into the kitchen to grab a glass of water, a bright yellow note plastered on his fridge makes him turn for a second look. Seunghyun squints his eyes. _Your mom came to my place today. She asked me to give you the side dishes. You should have told her about us,_ the message reads.

Seunghyun covers his face with his palms, he totally forgot about that. Just from the clean and neat writing, he figures that it’s probably from Lee Hyemi. He adores her pretty writing, it reminds him of her beauty. Seunghyun finds several side dishes handmade by his mom stacked in his fridge, silently reminding himself to thank Lee Hyemi and also to give his mother a call tomorrow. Quenching his thirst with water, he decides not to bother cleaning up and leaves the glass in the counter. He’s too drunk for that.

Seunghyun is back in his room, sitting at the edge of his bed with Jiyong’s numbers fiddles in his hands. He has too much drink tonight and thinks that his stomach is probably getting upset from all the drinks because Seunghyun feels sick. Something is eating him from inside as he stares at the scrawled numbers. He feels like throwing up. He shouldn’t have asked for Jiyong’s numbers, he should have thrown the card in the dustbin and stopped thinking altogether.

Seunghyun enters the numbers and calls.

His heart falls in a discomfort when he was greeted with the monotone voice. He doesn’t give up, continues trying his luck. It was two in the morning when he attempted his full seventh rings. He chews on his lower lips when there’s a click, his heartbeat increases per second. 

“Hello” A familiar rumble of voice rasps out low, laces with sleep. It makes his heart flutters. He swallows down thickly and wonders if Jiyong knows that it’s Seunghyun’s calling, wonders if Jiyong still has the heart to save his number despite what happened between them.

“Hello?” Jiyong repeats.

Seunghyun presses the receiver even tighter against his cheek. He feels like tearing up hearing his voice. He closes his eyes firm and concentrates on the sound of the other guy’s breathing. It takes a moment for Seunghyun to realize that he’s been holding his breath all this time. He opens his mouth, only figures that he isn’t sure where to start.

“Hello. Who’s this?” Jiyong croaks weakly, starting sounding like he’s irritated. The guy really hates to be bothered during his sleep beyond everything.

Seunghyun can picture Jiyong with his eyebrows creased, hairs dishevelled and eyes drowsy from the sleep. At some other time, Jiyong would bites on his crooked nail along with insistent feet tapping. His heart swells at this. He is not sure when they stopped talking but at one point, they just did. Seunghyun quickly bites on his tongue and ends the call. Tossing the phone away, he curls further under his cold blanket and stares at the empty wall as he feels something welling in his eyes.

He ends up staying up all night.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The evening is calm and cold. Seunghyun decided to spend the rest of his day by attending the company’s dinner. At first he was planning to decline the invitation to dinner but when he heard that it is going to be a welcoming party for him, Seunghyun agreed to come. It will be rude of him not to come.

He is wearing a black buttoned-up shirt with a tux for the formal occasion. He joins Teddy across the room as soon as he enters the hall. Teddy has his arm around Han Yeseul’s waist as they talked together along with one of YG’s producer. She pulls away from his arm and excuses herself to talk to her friends and Teddy just smiles widely. Han Yeseul is a sweetheart. Teddy is very lucky to have her as a partner and Seunghyun thinks it is a plus that both of them complement each other.

“When are you going to propose to her?” Seunghyun asks quietly when it was just both of them in the corner of the room, nudging towards Han Yeseul who has a palm covering her mouth as she giggles. Teddy quirks an eyebrow at him, looking surprised.

“You didn’t know? I already did, you idiot” this time Seunghyun’s the one who throws a startling look at the older guy.

“I proposed to her last summer during our trip to Europe. She agreed, of course. We’ve already discussed about the wedding preparation with our parents. The date has yet to be finalized but we figures that the sooner is better” Teddy explains and Seunghyun feels left out in a sudden, lowering his gaze to looks at his pointy shoes.

A tiny bit of disappointment clings to his chest because Teddy is an old friend, an emotional support. He should have been there beside him cheering together about the news. He has been with Seunghyun from his pre-debut era so he feels a bit sad that he couldn’t share the happiness. He stares as his knuckles turns white when his grip curls in a tight fist.

“I guess I’m the last one to congratulate you, huh” Seunghyun speaks, voice quieter than before. Teddy shoots him an affectionate gaze and smiles.

“Hey, don’t feel too bad. As long as you compensate with an expensive wedding gift, I don’t mind. But make sure you come to our wedding” He hits on Seunghyun’s back playfully, smirking. Seunghyun just snorts and both of them laugh.

“I bet your wedding will be dubbed as the wedding of the year” Seunghyun says but Teddy is quick to dismiss his words with a slight wave of hand.

“I doubt it” he shrugs with a knowing smile. It looks suspicious. As if he is hinting something that Seunghyun doesn’t know.

Seunghyun is about to ask what does Teddy meant by that but then a small commotion at the entrance steals his attention. The group of girls standing not far from them, which he assumes to be the uprising YG’s girl group whispers among themselves.  His heart picks up his pace, mind whirling in anticipation as he waits.

“Jiyong, here” Teddy gestures towards them and Seunghyun stuns, not sure what to do.

Right from the corner of his eyes, Seunghyun could spot Jiyong saunters through the entrance fashionably with a black jacket. There are fireworks, somewhere inside him. His inner self is screaming at him, yelling at him to ignore his feelings and just walk away because that’s what he is supposed to do, it’s what he had planned to do if he ever meet the Jiyong. He’s not ready. It’s not the time yet. Nonetheless, he could only managed to stare dumbly as soon as the guy settles in front of him, silently thinking if he is day-dreaming like he would always do, a dream that he is afraid to let go.

“Hyung” Jiyong calls him.  A lump suddenly forms in his throat, the air is getting thinner.

Seunghyun blinks twice at that moment, gulping down his saliva. The man who is staring back at him is a brother, a best friend and most of all, Kwon Jiyong was a boyfriend. A _former_ boyfriend if he could address him properly. The guy whom Seunghyun had managed to shatter his heart apart, the same guy he left hanging for three years. It hurts. Every part of him is aching badly, letting out a gasp that's subtle to ears.

“Jiyong” his tongue rolls. Even saying his name makes Seunghyun’s knees go weak.

Those soft lock of hairs that Seunghyun used to run with his fingers has grown longer. Jiyong’s hair is black now without any hair dye, it makes him looks younger than usual. His heart swells. It reminds Seunghyun a lot of the time when they were trainees, when they were busy chasing dreams, eyes full of greed and passion. Back then, it’s just them against the world, side by side.

“You’re back” his gaze is warm. Seunghyun notices the guy’s voice sounds different, rougher and manlier if he could describe it precisely. _He has changed_ , a train of thought plays through his mind.

For a moment, it seems like there is only two of them in the centre of hall, standing in front each other. It is overwhelming. The feelings are coming up and Seunghyun feels like nineteen years old again. Young, lost and vulnerable. A hint of exhaustion could be seen on Jiyong’s face because dark circles under his eyes are obvious. The pair of brown orbs meets his eyes. As if they just met yesterday which they did _not_ , as if nothing happened but the fact that _something_ did happened makes him shy away in embarrassment.

“Excuse me for a moment” he quickly says, ducking his head.

Seunghyun tries his hardest to steady a smile across his lips and turns his heels around. Teddy doesn’t bother saying anything and just nods in understanding. Seunghyun doesn’t dare to look at Jiyong. He chooses to steer his way towards Daesung instead. He eats, drinks and listens to Daesung’s rants quietly. In some other time, Seunghyun finds himself grabbing onto the younger’s hand and thumbs at the pulse of his wrist. His body is there but his mind wanders somewhere else.

Seunghyun avoids Jiyong for the rest of the evening.

 

 

 

 

 

It was confusing what they had in the past. They were young, reckless and insufferably confused when it happened. Seunghyun cannot recall on how it began or who started it. The only thing could remember was the lingering taste of cheap beer on his tongue and the faint smell of sweat. It was vague, like a dream, fragment memories of them sluggishly tumbling inside the cramped cubicle in drunken state.

The incident was nothing special. Jiyong had his kneels against the dirty floor to tug on Seunghyun’s hard member. The pace was frantic, and Seunghyun was breathless, panting, barely cared about anything else aside from chasing his orgasm. It was hazy, blurry and Jiyong was giggling when Seunghyun came. He had pulled a wide smile, revealing a set of crooked teeth, the same smile gracing his lips whenever he was feeling a bit too joyful and Seunghyun’s breath hitched that moment. 

He had kissed Jiyong that night for the first time. Jiyong’s lips were warm and plush against him and when Seunghyun coaxed for entrance with his tongue, Jiyong only pulled him closer as an invitation. The boy shuddered against him when Seunghyun placed his hands on the slim hips carefully, half-lidded eyes staring back at him. It felt right.

But Seunghyun just had a painful break up with his girlfriend. It was not supposed to happen because they were drunk and he has been crying his eyes for weeks. Jiyong deserved more than being a fucking rebound. It was impulsive and selfish of him so Seunghyun had created a distance between them to pull up his pants, mumbling incoherent apology which later echoing through the walls. Seunghyun thought he saw hurt inflicted in Jiyong’s eyes but the smile on Jiyong’s face was bright. He blamed the alcohol whirling through his mind that he can’t think clearly.

They took a cab later that night. Seunghyun doesn’t think much about how Jiyong kept his arms over his head and he looked away, staring at the stars in the sky instead. The ride back to the dorm was heavy and stifling with both of them sitting on the other end. It was a sign. Jiyong was expecting something more from him, Seunghyun should have known then. He didn’t.

For years, relationship between both of them is oddly strange. Unidentified.

Jiyong always has a special place in his heart and Seunghyun has long acknowledged that. Seunghyun has considered him as childhood friends he would hang around and share common interests with, a spoiled little brother that he never have and even as a family member that Seunghyun would lean on whenever he have a hard time, but lovers though—has never crossed through his mind.

They used to share lingering looks across the room, warm palm pressing on thighs once in a while, and maybe warm arms draped over shoulder to pull each other closer. But that was it. Seunghyun doesn’t really consider anything special between Jiyong and him. He’d never spare of thought of possibilities so when Daesung questioned him whether they are lovers, Seunghyun didn’t even hesitate in shaking his head, saying no they’re not, lips curled wide as he’d taken Daesung’s words in a joking manner.

“Stop looking at me like that” Seunghyun had warned Jiyong one night when they both were left alone, standing outside at the rooftop.

His voice was slightly shaky that night despite the sharp glare, sounding unmistakably angry and afraid at the same time. He had always believed himself as a wise, composed man. He doesn’t fall for temptation and would always avoid from being reckless. But a persistent and drunk Jiyong made him faltered in his steps and for once, Seunghyun doesn’t believe in himself.

Seunghyun has been careful through the past years. He has been treading lines between friendship and something special so cautiously but uncertainty pinned him down and Seunghyun cannot distinguish between the blurry lines anymore. Even black and white looked grey to him that night. They just automatically fell into a place then as Seunghyun curled his fingers in Jiyong’s hair and trailed his tongue along the veins.

Like a pair of naïve teenagers, they were in love.

 

 

 

 

 

 

It is morning and the sun is just about to rise outside when the doorbell of his house rings. The expression plasters on Daesung’s face by the time he steps into Seunghyun’s villa is unsettling. Although, the concern is obvious on his face, he doesn’t say anything. He just shakes his head when he notices the eye bags under Seunghyun’s eyes.

Seunghyun is lighting up the nth cigarette while Daesung strolls around his kitchen, making him coffee. He runs his palms across his face and inhales a deep breath, trying to sort his mind. Even after all these years he spent being a celebrity, Seunghyun still doesn’t know how to deal with insomnia. His emotions are all over the place and he’s getting oversensitive all over again. Seunghyun feels his head is pounding too loudly in his ears. The light peeking out from his curtain bothers him a lot and he’s gritting his teeth too tight. He sucks on the tube before tipping it lightly on the rim of ashtray. It feels like shit, honestly.

“And here I thought you’ve already stopped these bad habits of yours. You should’ve at least eat a proper meal, hyung” Daesung puts down a cup of coffee before him. The coffee table in his living room is messy with empty wine bottles and an ashtray full of cigarette butts.

“It’s not my fault that I can’t sleep. And you do know that old habits die hard” he smirks, levelling the cup to his mouth. His hand is shaking slightly and he can see Daesung’s jaw tightens.

“I’m worried about you, hyung”

“Awww, our Daesungie is so cute. Worrying about me all the time” He cooes. “You’re so good and nice to hyung. Thank you”

“Can I ask you something, hyung?” Daesung quirks, a sigh escapes from his lips.

“Don’t look so serious, I thought you’re going to kill me or something” his husky voice rumbles with a hint of teasing, clinking sound of cup follows. Daesung doesn’t laugh like he usually does.

“What made you come back, hyung?” he asks. Seunghyun closes his eyes. There is it, the question he’s been afraid of and trying so hard to avoid from. His smile drops instantly.

Three years ago, Seunghyun left Korea without an ounce of guilt on his chest. If anyone told him that he’ll regret it, he would have never believed it. He chose to be selfish with a reason to improve his skills in acting. He left his homeland, he left Jiyong. For years they have been apart, Seunghyun trusted his decision and refused to be sorry. But the empty hole in his heart seemed to be getting bigger and bigger as time passed by and Seunghyun was getting more agitated and anxious.  

Breaking up with Jiyong seemed to be the right decision, at first. But as the time passed by, it seems like it's not.

An old and experienced director once had lent him an advice. _As we get older, it seemed that we keep on remembering the past instead of figuring out the future holds. And further at some point, we’re starting to get a clear view on what we want._ Seunghyun didn’t understand back then. He just simply nods his head and smiled at his words.

It has been three years since then and Seunghyun has finally understands what the director meant. He came back because he finally realized what he needs in his life. Seeing Jiyong stood in front of him that day, has only managed to solidify his intention for coming back.

“It’s been a long and tiring journey for the past three years” Seunghyun says quietly. Lonely too, he thinks to himself.

“And I think, this is the time for me to spend with my brothers. Don’t you think so?” Opening his eyes, he watches a contemplative look slowly settles across Daesung’s face before it fades to be replaced with a dejected expression.

“You know, I thought you’ve forgotten about us, hyung. I thought you’re not coming back at all” Daesung’s voice is soft this time and he is wearing a warm gaze as he talks. Seeing this, Seunghyun stands up and drapes his arm on top of the younger’s shoulder to pull him closer.

“It’s alright. I’m here now” Seunghyun consoles the younger one, running his hand up and down his back.

The sight is strangely reminiscent of the time when Daesung had gathered at airport to send Seunghyun off. Aside from Jiyong, three of Bigbang’s members had been there, bidding goodbyes.  It was easy to break a smile at Seungri, it was easy to give a reassuring pat on Youngbae’s shoulder but it was so hard to pull away from the hug he wrapped around Daesung when the younger was crying so hard that night.

“Have you talked to Jiyong hyung?” Daesung says as soon as he pulls away. “It’s been three years after all”

“I can’t” Seunghyun gives him a strain smile and shakes his head.

“Why not?”

“I’m—” He stutters while Daesung stares.

“It’s embarrassing” for he, Choi Seunghyun, has been a coward in the past.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Honestly, Seunghyun doesn’t have a good impression in relationship, especially marriage. He doesn't like being controlled or being tied to something. It suffocated him. It's wrong. The general idea of being tied to someone made him feel nauseous. He doesn’t want to bet his life on someone. He dislikes on both imposing burdens and having them placed on him. It’s too stifling, a burden he wants to get away from.

And what comes in between Jiyong and Seunghyun three years ago was a long-distance relationship. It wasn’t that hard at first because they learn to compromise and tolerate with each other. A honeymoon phase, if he could address it basically. They tried to be understanding as much as they could to prevent from encountering any unnecessary problems. Their life is already hectic as it is, they really doesn’t need another problem.

But they weren’t any special. In fact, they were just as the same as any other couple out there. Fighting, kissing, yelling, making up and breaking up. It was a common cycle for them. Despite how easy they get along with each other, there's still difference between them. Whereas Jiyong loves him so much with all of his heart that it was so clear in his eyes, Seunghyun on the other hand wasn't too sure about it in some other time.

Probably, it had been too much for Seunghyun back then with work and personal matters. The pressure was tearing him up apart, crushed him into little pieces. Their ongoing fights and the frequent arguments that kept blowing up from time to time, Seunghyun can’t help but kept himself a distance apart. Because it was too tiring as they had gone round and round in circles, standing still at the same problem without any solution.

And maybe, due to being together for so long, the annoyances that were bubbling inside him was making him even harder to reach out. So just when their fight was starting to get out of hand, their love began to fade and Seunghyun was getting careless. He’s straying away little by little, soon led to a bigger misunderstanding. By the time things were starting to get complicated which slowly imposing on their job as an artist, a thought crossed his mind. Perhaps, they need to stop playing around and start getting a hold of themselves.

A break is what they need, he thought.

Seunghyun had ensured Jiyong that all they need is a space to think, a distance to breath for works to fill in the gap because he believes in a saying “out of sight, out of mind”. Each sentence that comes from Jiyong only managed to fell on deaf ears because Seunghyun was too stubborn. Back in the day, Seunghyun used to ensure that he’s doing all of this in favour for the sake of both of them, for Bigbang, saying that this will help them to clear their mind from the complicated relationship and move on with their life.

But now, he realized that he has been wrong all along. He doesn’t say it for them, neither for Jiyong. Seunghyun was just scared of the commitment, the burdens and the responsibilities that come with it. He’s just running away from the problems instead of mending the broken relationship just because Seunghyun was just scared of his own shadow. A coward, he was.

_“Maybe, we should take a break from all of this”_

Seunghyun could remember how pain reflected in those brown orbs when he uttered those words. Jiyong seemed to be in pain so much. He didn’t miss the tears welling up in his eyes when Jiyong pleaded Seunghyun to stay. I’ll change. Don’t leave me.

He was sorry for leaving Jiyong behind.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Let me send you home"

Several weeks later, Seunghyun approaches Jiyong, who was waiting for his manager in front YG’s headquarters entrance, when he is sure that he’s confident enough to stand before Jiyong without avoiding his eyes. He finds Jiyong with his earphones tucks in his ear along with a hand phone in his hand. The shorter one is wearing a black cap covering half of his face, black hair slightly trimmed. A nod was all it took for Seunghyun to beam in happiness. Jiyong is quiet when Seunghyun pulls open the backseat’s door for him.

The ride is quiet and awkward with a classical music played along the way. Seunghyun thought he’s ready but with the younger one sitting next to him with a black coffee Seunghyun bought for him in hand, Seunghyun wasn’t very sure now. His hands feel clammy and the butterflies in his stomach won’t stop fluttering.

“You never told me you’re coming back” Jiyong starts as his eyes are fixated on the window. Seunghyun blinks. He notices the curl of white knuckles around the cup. Seunghyun wishes that he could ease Jiyong from being tense like he used to. He scrubs his hands on his thigh instead.

“You never told me that you’ve changed your phone number” Seunghyun accidentally blurts those words. It came out bitter, he bites his tongue. Jiyong stiffens upon it and Seunghyun frowns. Did he cross the line? He bites a curse.

“I guess we’re even then” Jiyong retaliates weakly. Seunghyun nods.

“How was New York?” Jiyong asks after sipping his coffee, down casted eyes drifts to his own cup, staring blankly in his coffee.

“There are lots of things I’ve learnt there and it was a great experience. How about you?” Seunghyun fixes his hold against his cup, refraining his voice from getting too excited. His pulse quickens and there are somersaults inside him.

“Same old and nothing new” Jiyong answers a bit too quickly and looks away. A frown drapes over Seunghyun’s face after, still left unsatisfied. His lacks of response makes him at lost.

“I—” both of them starts at the same time. Seunghyun looks at Jiyong in surprise and both of them stares at each other.

For a moment, time stops before Seunghyun tries opening his mouth only to stutter and stops halfway until he hears Jiyong chuckling. The younger is actually curling a smile at him and it takes him by surprise. His eyes widens, awes upon the sight before him before joining Jiyong, chuckling in laughter together.

“It’s funny how awkward we are” Jiyong smiles at him.

“I second that” Seunghyun looks at his empty cup, grinning.

Puffing his cheeks, Jiyong pouts before chewing his lips, the small gesture when he’s nervous manages to linger a smile on Seunghyun’s lips. Jiyong still hasn’t change that much, isn’t he? For once, he feels comfortable and calm sitting with him, without those intense moment between them—it’s comfortable. A hole of silence pulls them in for another moment.

“How are you and Miss Lee Hyemi?” Jiyong asks. It’s not his style to shove his nose into people’s relationship but he has heard the gossip through the media. Seunghyun drops his head for a second before shaking his head.

“We’re not together anymore. We” Seunghyun pauses, wanted to say that being in a relationship with her is hard, that there are too many things that they don’t agree with, too many miscommunication and misunderstanding.

He just shakes his head, “It’s complicated”

He could remember how restrained her smile looked like when he asked for break up. It was a painful memory. The sky seemed darker that day, it was raining heavily outside and didn’t looked like it’s going to stop any soon. She was wearing a bracelet Seunghyun gifted to her last year, long hair let down passed her shoulder just like how Seunghyun likes it.

"I hope you find what you're looking for" was the last thing she said to him as she sipped the black coffee, Jiyong's favourite drink. That was their last meeting. Seunghyun was full of guilt then because even until the end he couldn't even remember her favourite drink.

Lee Hyemi is a charming girl, there’s no doubt about it. Seunghyun even considered her as one of the most beautiful girl he’s ever meet in his life. They started seeing each other as she's been his personal art consultant whenever he needs to buy a painting. But she's not for him because he just doesn't commit, Seunghyun grits his jaws.

And that's probably the reason for every break up in his relationship. Commitment. It was because his ex-girlfriends always pushes him, wanting something more than just a casual make up and break up kisses. All of them want assurance, a family when Seunghyun has never been into that. But Jiyong had never asked him for something more. He always tries to understand him better and Seunghyun wonders why he didn’t appreciate that back then.

“You need to give her a chance. I’m afraid that you’ll end up dying alone if you keep up with your stubborn attitude” Jiyong advises. Seunghyun curls his fingers around the cup tighter, forcing out a laugh. If only Jiyong knows the reason why he’s being like this.

“Can you turn left at the junction after this? Just stop at the apartment right at the corner” Jiyong taps the driver’s shoulder. The latter just nod his head in understanding while Seunghyun draws up his eyebrow.

"You're not going home?" because as far as Seunghyun remembers, this is not the road to Jiyong’s apartment.

"I'm living with my parents now. I've sold my apartment two months ago since I barely come home” Seunghyun wants to ask why. It’s the apartment that Seunghyun and Jiyong spent their free time lounging around and watching movies during their off days. It holds a lot of memories, especially to the both of them.

“Oh” he says instead.

“We should have a lunch together. There’s a lot of thing I have to tell you” Jiyong gives him a brief glance and Seunghyun can only smile looking at Jiyong’s happy expression.

“I’d love too”

When the car stops, Seunghyun can feel the dreading feeling comes back. His muscles tenses up, stomach clenching and unclenching as he watches Jiyong pushes the door open.

“Thanks for the ride, hyung. See you soon, alright” Right before Jiyong can steps out, Seunghyun grips on Jiyong’s wrist, halting him from getting out. 

“Jiyong, wait” His mouth opens his mouth yet nothing comes out of it. Jiyong is looking at him curiously, making his heart beating even faster.

“I—I mean—You—” Seunghyun’s clutch on Jiyong’s wrist tightens as he tries to produce coherent words, something or even anything. He fixes his dry throat and takes a deep breath because his voice suddenly doesn’t work and his brain struggles to find a correct sentence.

It’s not until Jiyong touches him and cups his cold hands that he finally stopped stuttering. It’s like during his first audition at YG all over again. When Seunghyun was a few pounds heavier than he’s current self, almost walking away from the entrance, but the smaller boy has stopped him. It was Jiyong who had his face a few inches apart from him, holding onto his chubby hands and busy calming down Seunghyun from his nervousness. He bit his lips, eyes wavering. The memory hits him harder than it should.

“I know, hyung” Jiyong pauses, squeezing his hands and Seunghyun wonders if the younger can read what’s on his mind.

“I miss you too—we all did” Jiyong’s lips parts, curving upwards showing his pearl teeth. Seunghyun's cheeks flushes.

Seunghyun composes himself and searches again for those brown orbs. The clasp of hands against his, feels warm like sunrays in the morning shining against his skin. They are looking at each other and Seunghyun can’t help from beaming brightly at this.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Things unexpectedly have been working out for the two of them and Seunghyun couldn’t be more grateful to have Jiyong back in his life. They have begun to hang out with each other after the last meeting. Seunghyun even makes sure he pays a visit to YG’s headquarter almost every day just so they could meet, catching up like old times. The past has remains untouched and Seunghyun is not sure if it’s the time to open up the old wound.

It is nearly eight in the evening when the moon is already shining above him as soon as he steps out of the car. A smile creeps on Seunghyun’s face as he scans the café in front of him. Monsant Café. Seunghyun had a day off and Jiyong promised that he’s going to buy Seunghyun dinner at his new café in Itaewon. The bright and cheerful laugh over the phone last night is still fresh in his mind, sending shivers down his spine. Talking to Jiyong again makes him feels like he’s nineteen all over again. Young, foolish and deeply in love.

With a click of tongue, Seunghyun strides into to the entrance, eyes wandering on each corner, searching a familiar face. Just when he was about to take another step, he was stopped upon a sight of Jiyong, chatting animatedly with Lee Soohyuk. Seunghyun almost missed the girl standing next to Soohyuk, dolled up completely in a white dress and next to her is Soojoo, a very well-known international model. His stomach churns in discomfort at the sight of bunch of people inside the cafe.

He thought that it’s going to be just the two of them. Just like in the past.

Seunghyun takes a look on the bouquet of roses in his hands, wondering if he should throw it away as his mind runs a second thought. One guy wraps his arm around Jiyong, offering him a drink and Jiyong lights up happily. Confidence in him drops in seconds and Seunghyun balls his hand into a fist, thinking for a moment. From the corner of his eyes, he can see they’re moving to seat somewhere more secluded place and Seunghyun unconsciously takes a step back, ready to turn around. This is the time to take off, he can just give Jiyong an excuse that he has more important meeting to attend to and he should really go before—

“Seunghyun hyung! You’re here”

Suddenly, Seungri pulls him into a hug out of nowhere. Seunghyun could only manage a decent hum, smiling half-heartedly. He cannot fully comprehend what the younger says after that. His head is turning into a jumble of confusion mess and his head is throbbing so badly he needs to sit down. He can see Youngbae comes hand in hand with his girlfriend, Min Hyorin.

“It’s so unlike you to be so early” Youngbae comments sends Seunghyun a bit perplexed. Min Hyorin greets him with a smile and he just nods in acknowledgement. Seungri already disappears to find Jiyong at the back and Daesung excuses himself to the washroom.

“I just got here. Why are you here?” Seunghyun asks, anxious. Youngbae is looking at him weirdly, mouth opening to say something but halts as soon as his eyes drops at the bouquet of flowers in Seunghyun’s hand. Youngbae looks at Seunghyun whose busy peering at Jiyong over his shoulder.

“I don’t know about you but Jiyong invited me here. He said that he’s going to tell us something” Youngbae turns to look at Jiyong’s direction and Seunghyun can’t find his mouth to speak. Tell them something? About what?

“Didn’t you guys talked?” Youngbae asked, his tone dropping.

“We did” Seunghyun says, tone unsure because indeed, Jiyong and him did talked. They laughed, even. But it seemed like Seunghyun is still out of the big picture.

“I’ll talk to you later” Youngbae pulls away, bringing Min Hyorin along and Seunghyun swallows nervously.

By the time Youngbae excuses himself, Jiyong approaches him and pulls Seunghyun into a hug. It was short. Before Seunghyun could even sigh in content, Jiyong is already pulling away from him and keeps their distance apart. Seunghyun hopes that disappointment on his face is not obvious.

“Why didn’t you tell me that you’re here? Seungri said that you’ve been standing here for a while” Jiyong is wearing a plaid button-up shirt, matched with leather pants. It looks good on him, especially with the black hair. It’s no surprise though.

“Don’t listen to him. You know how that kid loves to talk nonsense. I seriously just got here” Seunghyun says, fumbling with his hands. “Anyway, I got flowers for you. As a congratulations for opening the new café without burning the whole building down. Yeah. So, here” Seunghyun hands him the bouquet, expecting a smile from the other.

“That’s pretty nice of you. Thanks” Looking up, Jiyong’s eyes twinkles as he receives the flowers and as expected, that pink lips widens instantly.

“It’s my pleasure” Seunghyun bows down slightly. The smile fixes on the other’s lips look so warm and pretty that Seunghyun can’t help but stare. It’s sad that he can no longer slant his lips over Jiyong’s like he used to.

“You’re staring” Jiyong nudges him with an elbow.

“Sorry” Seunghyun coughs apologetically.

“Come here, I need to introduce you to someone” Jiyong grabs his arms and Seunghyun let himself to be dragged away.

Jiyong spends the entire evening introducing him to his new friends and make sure that Seunghyun’s acquainted to every one of them. It touches him that Jiyong still has the thought to stay with him by his side and care about him, despite other his famous friends are in presence. He also learns that Soohyuk has established a partnership with Jiyong and contributes a lot of idea for the Monsant café in Itaewon.

At first, Seunghyun felt bitter knowing that he's not the only one Jiyong wanted to meet for tonight because it turned out that Jiyong had gathered all of his friends, including the ones that he had made during he went abroad. But the warm body next to him somehow makes up for the disappointment.

Throughout the evening, he stuck by Jiyong’s side, watching Jiyong spoke and laughed freely with the other members. Seunghyun had been silent at the side, not knowing when to jump in the conversation. It was startling to feel so distant towards the members who are like brothers to him, especially Jiyong. Back in the day, it was so fascinating when it was just Seunghyun and Jiyong talking with cryptic little messages. Youngbae used to have trouble catching up with their inside jokes all the time before and both of them would share a knowing smile then. But now, Seunghyun feels left out, like a stranger. He is envious seeing the closeness between the members, upset at the fact he missed out so many memories.

It was somewhere between light hearted jokes and hearty laughs, that Seunghyun noticed that almost everyone that’s close to Jiyong was here tonight. It reminded him of Youngbae’s words earlier. He makes a note to ask Jiyong later. Suddenly, the girl in white dress that Seunghyun had noticed before had pulled Jiyong to her side, whispering close to his ear and draws a big smile on his lips. Seunghyun looks away. It hurts seeing Jiyong smiling at someone else other than him.

He realized what is the purpose the gathering later, when everyone was gathered at the sounds of a clinking glass. Looking away from his flowers bouquet that Jiyong left on the table, Seunghyun searches for the source of the sound only to be surprised at the intertwine fingers right across the room.

“Guys, I have an announcement to make” Jiyong is a couple of feet away from him, hand-in-hand with the girl in white dress, eyes shining as both of them exchanging looks. A chill sweeps through Seunghyun, throat drying as his hands curls in a fist.

“I'm getting married”

And Seunghyun feels his body turns cold in second. In that moment, he can’t hear anything. All he could hear right now is his heart breaking in pieces.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“You’re not drinking tonight?” a voice greets him.

“I drive here” Seunghyun doesn’t even bother to turn around, just shaking his head in response. He tips his cigarette and hangs it at the corner of his mouth. Jiyong comes to stand next to him, arm touching his slightly making him flinch.

“That’s unexpected. Usually, you would prefer someone to drive you” His chest constricts in pain at his words. Seunghyun just returns a smile, minds wandering elsewhere. Likewise, Jiyong still remember every little habits of him. It makes his stomach churns in discomfort.

“Cigarette?” Seunghyun holds out a pack of Marlboro White. He can remember that he used to steal a pack of Marlboro White from Jiyong’s recording room every time he ran out of it and get an earful from the younger later. The other looks agitated on his feet, restless as he keeps on shifting his posture and Seunghyun wonders if Jiyong has changed his taste.

“I’ve quit a couple months ago” Jiyong pauses, is looking at him thoughtfully now, voice soft between the harsh wind outside.

“She’s pregnant for almost three months now. We'll be having a baby soon” Seunghyun nearly drops his cigar, stills in his spot as his brain tries to sink in the new information. It was too sudden. Too early. He’s seriously not expecting this so he nibbles his lower lips. His eyes drop to his feet, thinking.

“That's” Seunghyun takes a long pause to exhale his smokes. “That's a good news” he clears his throat. He can handle this, Seunghyun thinks, he wants to spat it out.“Congrats”

When he meets Jiyong in the eyes, the other is looking at him joyfully. Eyes shining bright, burning with sparks that Seunghyun never notice.“Thanks”

“You must have been happy” Seunghyun says after some thought, throwing away the cigarette and steps on it. He closes his eyes, focusing on the cool wind blowing to his skin.

“I am” comes Jiyong’s faint reply. He opens his eyes and takes a brief glance at Jiyong. He can see nothing aside from contentment on the younger’s face. A switch in him clicks, Seunghyun almost felt emotional—too emotional.

“Remember back in the days, the time we used to talk about what’s going to happen in the future. About how you’ve always wanted a daughter and you’d said you’ll spoil her by buying her a lot of toys and pink dresses” A strain smile creeps to Seunghyun’s lips.

“I can’t believe you still remember that. It was so embarrassing” Jiyong runs a hand through his hair. Seunghyun wishes it was his hand instead.

“How could I forget? It was one of your dreams—” He swallows a lumps in his throat, contemplating. This time Seunghyun meets Jiyong in the eyes and watches the guy freezes on his spot.

“Our dreams” it was quiet, his voice. It could’ve been barely heard. But Seunghyun didn’t miss Jiyong’s wavering gaze. Seunghyun’s mouth parts, ready to speak.

“I should go. It’s getting late” Jiyong looks away, forced smile gracing over his chapped lips.

“You should” Seunghyun nods because the longer Jiyong stays, it’ll become harder for Seunghyun to let go. Jiyong turns around and strides out of his sight. Not even sparing a glance at Seunghyun.

Seunghyun scoffs in disbelief after a minute which quickly turns into a fit of laughter, feeling so stupid for even thinking that he has a chance. He isn’t sure why he is laughing. The laugh is uncontrollable, subtle and quiet yet sounds so wrong in his ear. Knives were thrown, stabbing deep in his chest and he finds it hard to breath in a sudden. Sliding down the wall, Seunghyun pants and tries catching his breath. Smokes are thick in his lungs. He chokes, coughing out.

“I’m so stupid” he grunts under his breath loudly, pressing the heel of his palm on his eye.

This is a mistake. He shouldn’t have come. Seunghyun grits his teeth tightly because for some reason tears is coming out and the last time he cried so hard was when he received bad news about his grandfather’s medical condition. Seunghyun gasps for air as he struggles, barely breathing. He can’t think. He can do nothing except cries.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Seunghyun could remember their last fight. It is still fresh as yesterday in his mind.

Back then, he just thought about it as a phase, a rough patch along their journey together that should have been put on stop. They’ve been fighting a lot so their relationship has always been on and off. It’s happening so regularly that Seunghyun doesn’t even surprise anymore. But the last meeting had ended awfully. Despite the fact that no one’s screaming to each other’s faces, Seunghyun found that had bothered him immensely.

“You guys need to talk. I’m sick of seeing you guys fighting all the time”

“Who said we’re fighting” Seunghyun tried to sound as calm as possible though he’s sure Youngbae could see his jaws clenching in defence because the guy was giving him an accusing stare. Seunghyun didn’t bother and continued scrawling lyrics across the paper, playing dumb.

“You’re ignoring him on purpose, hyung. And Jiyong is locking himself in the studio again” the scratches of pen against the paper were aggressive, even louder as he scribbled down the words. 

“Please, hyung. This time it’s different, I’m not sure how to explain but” the deep crease of Youngbae’s eyebrows were making Seunghyun nervous as he paused, “He looked even more devastated this time” and Seunghyun felt immensely guilty for making Jiyong miserable. He stopped writing and watched the mess he created.

A part of him, he knows that Youngbae is making sense somewhere but another part of himself refused to agree. Seunghyun noticed that something is wrong somewhere too this time. They fight all the time, yes. But for some reason, this recent fight managed to make Jiyong cry and that’s where it went wrong. When they fight, it’s Jiyong who shouts all the time, he’ll be the one yelling out in frustration while Seunghyun will be still as a calm ocean. That guy wears his heart on his sleeve, it’s so easy for Seunghyun to read Jiyong so he would know Jiyong wasn’t supposed to cry, he’s not supposed to hold onto Seunghyun like he’s hanging on his dear life that night.

“Do me a favour. Talk to him” Youngbae glanced at him.

Seunghyun wanted to argue that everything will be fine after a couple days, they just need space to think and after that they both will be back talking to each other again, playing around in the studio, throwing dirty jokes and have a makeup sex in Seunghyun’s villa soon. Youngbae has already slammed the door on his face before Seunghyun could part his mouth though.

And _soon_ however, doesn’t seemed to be coming any faster because even after three years later Seunghyun found himself drinking wine alone out in the balcony without no one to talk to. When his heart ache more than he expected, Seunghyun blamed the heavy rain outside for his gloomy mood.

Jiyong and Seunghyun shares a lot of common, they share the same interest in music, art and dream. They love to dream about a lot of things. Before going to sleep, The younger would usually cram into Seunghyun’s space and place his head to his lover’s chest, hearing the constant rhythm of Seunghyun’s heartbeat.They would talk about random things happening in their daily life, sometimes Seunghyun would draw circles on Jiyong’s back and reminisce about the past when they were young blood, full with passion, eager and competitive but in some other time, Jiyong would grab Seunghyun by the jaw and stares into his eyes, quietly whispers his version of their future together with both of them staying down low from the public’s eyes, moving to the Jeju with a villa by the lake, enjoying private art exhibition together for a date, taking Charlie, Gaho and Jolie out for a walk and ends their day with cuddles and kisses.

But the end came, unexpectedly.

It feels like a failure. He throws away his glass and watches it break into million pieces. Seunghyun winces because it actually hurt, inside his heart there’s laid a big scar across. Seunghyun’s always ready to confront a failure to prevent himself from getting hurt. Nonetheless, seeing none of Jiyong’s dreams happen in front of his eyes, made him sad and angry because he has broken promises with Jiyong. Seunghyun could have made all these things happen but, unfortunately, he was too caught up with himself to remember them.

The tears he holds back falls again.

 

 

 

 

_______________________________________________________

 


	2. Last

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Three years is a pretty long time.
> 
> But Seunghyun figures, it is still not long enough to forget the memories.

 

 

 

_“…I sometimes can’t forgive myself on what I’d already done and felt regret."_

_—Choi Seunghyun, Electric Love Tour Photobook._

 

 

 

The blind dates keep on coming. Seunghyun thought by not talking and driving away his last date, his mom will finally get the idea that he is not interested in jumping into a relationship. Instead of giving up, his mom gives her all in finding him a wife with a help from his sister.

He sighs loudly, fingers massaging his temple, suddenly craving for a smoke. His dry throat makes his toes curls, uncomfortable so he pulls at the collar of his shirt and clears his throat. Nail digging in his skin leaves his nerves prickling. It’s irritating. Tightening the curls of his fist, he strides forward slowly as his gaze lands on another painting.

“I’ve heard from your mother that you just got back from New York”

A sudden voice pulls him out from his trance. Seunghyun blinks once, twice as he turns around to look at the person next to him. The woman next to him is wearing a gentle smile, head slightly bowing down after a minute. As if she was feeling shy after being shot down with a sharp gaze from Seunghyun. He doesn’t know. He doesn’t care.

Being completely engrossed in his own thoughts, Seunghyun almost forgot that he is actually not alone. The woman next to him was a blind date that his mother has set him up with. Her name is Kim Yura if he’s not mistaken. Roughly, their conversation was quite short and nothing important that Seunghyun could remember of. It was somewhere between quiet chatter, she has suggested to continue their date at the art gallery in Itaewon since Seunghyun’s love for art is widely known.

“What happened to your hand?”

“What?” Seunghyun dazedly asks, voice sounds a bit hoarse.

“Your hand, it’s bandaged. What happened to it?” The woman looks at his hand as she tucks her hair behind her ear. Seunghyun was told that she’s about five years younger than him but now looking at her up-close, she looks mature than Seunghyun expected. He looks down at his bandaged hand, thinking thoughtfully about how to answer this question.

“I accidentally hurt myself” Seunghyun answers briskly.

Kim Yura looks disappointed. He wasn’t sure if it was because of his nonchalant face or his short answer but Seunghyun decides to play dumb and drags his foot forward. He’s not here to please anyone. It’s bad enough that he has to come here unwilling. If it’s not because his mother plead, Seunghyun wouldn’t be here. His date didn’t say anything else, just nods her head in understanding. Seunghyun feels guilty for treating her half-heartedly, yet he couldn’t help it. His heart and mind is not here. It’s wandering far away than he could ever reach.

Looking back, Seunghyun realizes that it has been a really long time since he visited art galleries. He has been spending his time alone too much all these years. Seunghyun misses the time he visited art galleries with Jiyong. They often go to galleries Kyoto and around Kansai. He remembers that Jiyong was the one introduced him to Kusama Yayoi’s artworks. Seunghyun wonders if Jiyong still kept the painting Seunghyun used to buy for him as a present.

“Choi Seunghyun-ssi” Kim Yura calls out his name. Seunghyun just hums in response, shoes are still padding against the floor.

“I know that you don’t want to be here” Seunghyun halts his steps. He spins his feet around to face her, eyebrows creasing. The look on her face is unreadable, there’s a hint of resignation painted on it. Seunghyun gives her a look.

“But I sincerely like you” She steps forward, closer until Seunghyun could smell her sweet perfume. The scent is alluring, nice. Although, Seunghyun more prefers musky and spicy scent that he always smells on Jiyong. He shakes his head, this is not the time. Seunghyun presses his lips together as he waits for her next words. He watches as she reaches for his bandaged hand and holds it carefully with both of her hand.

“I hope you will give me a chance” the sparks in her eyes makes him freeze.

Seunghyun seizes back his hand in an instant. His breath stutters. It reminds him a lot of the time Jiyong confessed to him in the past. The similar look of desperation as Jiyong hung onto him. His heart tugs at the memory as he clenches his jaw.

Seunghyun doesn’t answer her.  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

By the time Seunghyun sends Kim Yura off, he bumps into Jiyong at the gallery’s venue entrance. His heart has dropped instantly at the sight of Jiyong, at the end of the corner. He can see the other reading the brochure on his hand, brows knitted in concentration. His legs saunters forward as he follows Jiyong moving to look at another piece of painting. Seeing no one else next to Jiyong makes him sighs in relief, lips curling in a bow.  

Seunghyun then decides to follow behind Jiyong closely for the next ten minutes, gaze never fall far from watching Jiyong’s expression being fascinated and amused by the artworks. With a glass wall getting in between them, he pulls his hand and reaches out, fingers tracing the curve of other’s figure. Irony. They are just standing a couple feet from each other, yet Seunghyun can’t even touch him.

Seunghyun can see the other guy is busy tapping on the phone, smiling to himself. He wonders if things would turn out different if he had asked for forgiveness three years ago. Seunghyun wonders if they would be hand in hand at this moment, whispering intimately to each other and sharing opinions about the artworks.

It is until the next minute, Jiyong lifts his head from his phone and their eyes locks with each other. Seunghyun gulps down nervously before nodding his head in acknowledgement. There is the same genuine smile plasters on Jiyong’s lips and a rush of emotions boils up within him in an instant.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jiyong’s smile will always be his weakness.

Seunghyun noticed this after experiencing the constant rapid heartbeats every time the other quietly looks at him in the eyes as the tip of his lips curls up. Jiyong told him that one of his friend’s birthday is getting closer so he wants to give the guy a bottle of wine as a present and asked for Seunghyun’s help to pick out the best one. Seunghyun knows he shouldn’t have let his guard down and let his hope soar up high. But he just can’t fight the selfishness inside him even though he will end up getting hurt. He let Jiyong dragged both of them to a wine store.

“I’ve been wanting to bring you here for a long time actually but never have a chance since you’re in New York. I remembered that you always posts pictures of wine bottle on Instagram in the past” Jiyong laughs, hand touching at the back of his neck.

“Ooh… Looks like someone missed me a lot” Seunghyun playfully poke on Jiyong’s cheek only to be slapped away lightly. Jiyong huffs and pouts, elbow nudging at Seunghyun’s rib.

“Don’t be too full of yourself. I’m just telling you because I’m glad that you’re here—together with me.” There is hesitation lace in his tone but nonetheless Seunghyun doesn’t feel less than satisfaction from the confession. Their eyes meet each other and Seunghyun feel warmth spreading across his cheek. Jiyong looks shy under his gaze, fidgeting from one foot to another, biting his lips.

“That’s nice to know that you’ve been thinking of me” Seunghyun grins, bumping their shoulders together. Jiyong looks up and smiles.

Seunghyun missed this. Along the way Seunghyun had travelled alone, he has forgotten how much he longs for both of them being playful and sincere to each other at the same time without hurtful words. Seunghyun missed the time when he could share every secret of his to Jiyong and the other would comfort him in return.

They ended up buying the most expensive wine in the store for Jiyong’s friend and before Seunghyun could fishes out his credit card, Jiyong grabs another bottle of wine. Seunghyun was about to ask for whom he’s buying until he recognized the label. Chateau Petrus 1988. He turns around only to find the other beaming brightly at him.

“For you”, Jiyong’s eyes twinkles as he takes out his black credit card and handing it to the cashier, “I saw how you’ve been sadly looking at it earlier. You look like you’re going to cry your eyes out so I figured why not buy you one since you helped me a lot” Seunghyun hums thoughtfully, eyes never leave the bottle.

Walking towards the exit, Seunghyun pulls the door and steps out, gesturing for Jiyong to walk out first. Jiyong is taken back at the gesture, chuckling in response, saying that Seunghyun is being ridiculous, though just ends playing along all the same as he says his thanks. Both of them heads out the wine store and walks down the street.

“Did you hurt yourself over a broken glass again, hyung?” Seunghyun doesn’t even realize that Jiyong has been staring at his bandaged hand.

“You know how I am, sometimes I can’t even stand straight when I’m drunk. And the wound is not that bad. Just a little bit of blood” Seunghyun weakly smiles as he tries hide his bandaged hand behind him. The tip of his ears reddens in embarrassment from being stared too long. It feels like he’s a child being scolded.

Suddenly, Jiyong stopped in front of him and holds out his hand. Seunghyun widens his eyes, clueless at the sudden action. He was not sure what Jiyong wants at first but then the shorter one nudges at his hand, Seunghyun burst into a fit of giggle. He nearly forgets that Jiyong is so unpredictable sometimes. With a grin etches on his lips, Seunghyun brings out his bandaged hand and puts it on top of Jiyong’s palm.

“Oh god, look at this. So messy” Jiyong stares him down, pouting, “You should’ve bandaged the cut firmly or else it won’t heal properly”

“I think I already did a good job though” his reply was quickly shot down with a sarcastic laugh.

“Rude” Seunghyun pinches Jiyong’s cheek as a punishment. Instead of a whine, Jiyong just cackles, eyes quietly focusing on the task in hand.

“Let me hold it for you” Seunghyun takes the paper bag from Jiyong’s hand as he saw Jiyong fumbles with it. He swallows thickly, taking the paper bag from Jiyong’s hand, fingers brushing against each other. The other guy returns him a smile. He tilts his head to the side. This sure does brings back a lot of memories, Seunghyun purses his lips in a tight line.

“Actually, you didn’t have to give me the wine, Jiyong. I’ve already had two boxes of wine made in 1988 back in my villa” Seunghyun says, gaze flicking to the wine bottle in his other hand.

“Woah, two boxes? It sounds like you’re collecting these wines, hyung” His stomach lurches when he realizes Jiyong’s face coming closer to his own as soon as he looks up. His breath catches in his throat. He can even smell the musky smell on Jiyong.

“I am. I’ve been collecting wine made in 1988 these past years actually. You could say that it’s one of my hobbies nowadays” His voice drops low. It’s not the first time they stand beside each other, but it is the closest Seunghyun has ever been next to Jiyong after three years. And this time, Seunghyun notices how gentle Jiyong holds his hand, carefully touching the bare skin as if afraid of hurting him.

“Really? Why 1988 though?” He also notices the way Jiyong bites his lips in concentration, brown orbs unblinking. Jiyong is wearing lip gloss. Seunghyun can still see it shining under the hot sun, his fingers are itching to smear it along his cheek.

Seunghyun takes a deep, steadying breath, boldly stepping forward slightly, “It reminds me of you”

There is a tense atmosphere hanging in the air. Seunghyun catches Jiyong’s eyes and he is not sure if he’s mistaken but he can see his own longing reflected in those brown orbs. Jiyong quickly opens his mouth as soon as Seunghyun steps in closer, pulling away his hands to keep inside his pocket.

“Done” Jiyong clears his throat, looking away. Seunghyun deflates a little, nonetheless didn’t forget to say his thanks. He curls and uncurls his bandaged hand in tight fist, calming himself. The bandage seems neater, firmer.

“Anyway, you should give her a call, hyung”

“Who?” Seunghyun spares Jiyong a look.

“The girl you’re seeing at the gallery earlier” Seunghyun almost drop the paper bag in his hand. Jiyong had seen him with Kim Yura earlier but he doesn’t bother to greet him. Why? Carefully, Seunghyun gives a brief of glance at the guy next to him before turns his heel and pads his feet forward.

“Why should I?” it comes off slightly offended, a bit harsh. Seunghyun had to force out the grin on his lips so it plasters a little longer than usual, his pace starting to get faster.

“She’s beautiful, tall and if your mom chooses her for you then she must be quite a catch. Mother’s intuition is never wrong” Seunghyun scoffs, doesn’t appreciate Jiyong’s interest in his love life.

“You want me to date her?” Seunghyun asks. Something about what comes off from the younger’s mouth stabs through his heart. Seeds of angry and disappointment takes root in the corner of his stomach.

“Of course, hyung. You’re handsome, she’s pretty. Who knows she might be the one” Seunghyun halts in his track and Jiyong nearly bumps into his back, nearly fall into his arms but he steps back as if he’s conscious of the lack of distance between them. Jiyong straightens up himself and shoots a warm smile towards him, eyes full of mischief.

“And what’s with all of these questions? You sound like you don’t even want to date her” The grin etches on Jiyong’s lips flutters and breaks his heart at the same time.

“I don’t” he wanted to say it upfront right in front of Jiyong. His tongue is itching to say that all he ever wants is Jiyong, the main purpose he came back was to fight for his love after all. He’s tired of pretending but at the same time, he doesn’t want to scare Jiyong off. A small sad smile bent itself on Seunghyun’s lips.

“Sure, I’ll give her a call tonight”

Somewhere down deep in his heart, Seunghyun wonders if it’s just fate playing on them.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Can’t wait to see you too” Seunghyun speaks with a straight face, eyes barely blinking. Even the roll of his tongue feels weird. He wishes it comes out ecstatic even if it sounds forced. Seunghyun doesn’t want to break any hearts anymore but then he is not even trying.

He ends the call in haste with an excuse that he is late for a meeting. It is not a surprise when a disappointed tone bid him goodbye in return. _I love you_ , she says and Seunghyun can imagine her looking at him with sparkling eyes, soft smile splays across her pretty face. His throat clogs up because he doesn’t know what else to say. That’s when he pressed the button and ends it right then without a trace of guilt.

Seunghyun turns around and steps inside the YG building. He bumps into Teddy on the elevator, the guy clads in his hoodie and cap as usual but the frown on his face, makes Seunghyun falters in his steps. He steps in nonetheless, greets the guy with a smile.

“You’re here to see Jiyong” the statement sounds bitter in his ear. Seunghyun looks up and nods.

“Is he in the studio?” Seunghyun asks, Teddy doesn’t answer him, only staring at his shoes.

“Have you heard of the rumors?” Teddy asks him instead, Seunghyun is a bit hesitant what to answer because he is afraid that Teddy knows.

“I did” Seunghyun decides that it’s probably the best that he should be honest with the guy.

There is a weird rumour going around YG’s building. About a rise of conflict in Jiyong’s relationship when his wedding is in just a few months. Some says that it is because a third person, others argued that it just merely a blind rumour made up by a reporter. Seunghyun never cares about rumours before, didn’t even put the faith in it but this time, he can feel a spirit in him lightens up.

The elevator dings once it stopped at 4th floor and Teddy walks out. Suddenly, he turns around and pushes the button, stopping the elevator from closing. Poorly hidden concern flashes in Teddy’s gaze as he stares. Seunghyun raises his eyebrows in question.

“I don’t know what you’re doing. Just—don’t do anything stupid” that was the last thing Teddy said before he lets go of the button and the door closing slowly. Seunghyun huffs, leaning back against the elevator once the words dawn on him.

Teddy is not a fool. He probably knows with what intention Seunghyun comes to see Jiyong. He admits it, he has been hoping for their relationship to crack. It is awful to win Jiyong when he is weak at heart and lost. He knows that. Yet, Seunghyun thinks that is the only chance that he can get to win Jiyong back again. Seunghyun needs Jiyong.

He is taking his chance now.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Seunghyun knocks on the door for a couple of times and meets nothing more than a silence so he decides to push the door opens slowly, peeking through the slit and sees a small body curls on the couch. He shakes his head at this and makes his way towards the body, crouching at Jiyong’s face level.

He smiles at the sight of Jiyong’s furrowed eyebrows. Jiyong has dark circles under his eyes, skin so pale that makes Seunghyun wonders if the guy has been taking care of himself or if his fiancée has been watching over him these days. Jiyong looks wears out more than ever, he even got black marker stained on his left cheek and Seunghyun bet the younger one doesn’t even knows how it got there.

“And here I thought I’m the only one who’s still living with bad habits” Seunghyun chuckles, hands reaching out to push away bangs from his eyes. His fingers fleeting over the curve of his jaw, thumb grazing on the apple cheek for few seconds and wipes at the marker stain gently. The younger’s squirms at the touch, stretching out his body on the couch.

“Ugh, my back” Jiyong croaks, eyes squinting from the bright light, “Shit, hyung!”Jiyong stands upright quickly the moment he registers Seunghyun’s face up close.

“You’re up?” Seunghyun moves back and leans against the desk, folding his arms on his chest.

“God, you’re creeping me out. What are you doing here?” Jiyong digs the heels of his palm on his eye, groaning in discomfort. He licks his dry lips before opening his eyes, looking up to Seunghyun with his half-lidded eyes.

“I wanted to see you. Can’t I?” Jiyong just shrugs his shoulders.

“You can but you’ve been hanging here a lot these days. Aren’t you busy with your movies?” Jiyong licks his lips again, pushing his hair to the back. Seunghyun darts his gaze from Jiyong to the scribbles of writing across the paper splays on the desk.  

“Nope. I got a couple of days off” Seunghyun sheepishly smiles. It’s a white lie but Jiyong doesn’t have to know that.

It’s true, he’s been busy than ever, doing promotions at the film festivals and fan meeting for his movie and supposedly, he has a meeting with the directors and casts for future planning but Seunghyun excused himself early, saying that he’s been sick these few days and faked couples of coughs here and there. They didn’t probe further, just wishing him to get well soon.

“Well, lucky you, Mr. Choi Actor. And here I am, busy sleeping in a recording room” Jiyong yawns loudly and stands up. Seunghyun didn’t miss the full display of skin exposed under his shirt as he stretches his arms over his head, bending right and left. He swallows.

“Hyung, you’re staring” Jiyong states shyly, pulling his shirt down and pouts. He covers his blushed cheeks with the back of his hand.

“Sorry, can’t help it. It’s just you look so funny with the marker stain on your cheek” Seunghyun coughs an embarrassed laugh and ruffles his hair. Jiyong’s hands shoot up within a flash and scrubs at his cheeks urgently, cheeks turns rosy in seconds.

“Is it still there?” Jiyong asks, voice squeaking.

Seunghyun nods and taps the right side of his face, “You missed it” Jiyong frowns grow deeper and rubs his left cheek in exasperation.

“Clean?” Jiyong looks at Seunghyun. The taller guy comes closer which draws Jiyong to lean back slightly.

“Nope. Still there” Seunghyun shakes his head, index finger tapping on his lips. “Just, right here” Seunghyun circles around the curve of his left cheek near his corner lips.

“Oh god, is it a permanent pen marker? Why the hell it’s not coming out?” Jiyong grumbles under his breath but Seunghyun heard him loud enough, biting back his tongue from laughing.

“Please tell me it’s gone already” Jiyong huffs.

“Hmm… not quite” Seunghyun scoots forward, eyes squinting as he invades Jiyong’s space while the other guy grows flustered.

“Maybe if I just do this…” His tongue darts out to coat saliva at his thumb and he can see the other’s eyes turns larger at that. Grabbing Jiyong by the neck, Seunghyun slides his knee between the skinny legs, trapping the guy before he can escape.

“Ew, no. God, no. Hyung!” Jiyong shrieks in disgusts as soon as Seunghyun rubs his cheeks with the slimy thumb. His eyes shuts close in disgusts.

“There, you go. Clean and clear as baby’s butts” Seunghyun bursts in a fits of chuckle after he said that, tapping on the younger’s clean cheek.

“Meanie bastard” Jiyong opens his eyes and glares, wiping his wet cheek with his sleeve. Yet, his face quickly frowns when he registers that Seunghyun’s saliva is going to stick on his shirt throughout the day.

“Actually” Seunghyun starts after he regains his breath once again, grinning, “Nothing’s there. I already wiped it when you’re sleeping”

“Seunghyun hyung!” Jiyong hits on his arm and Seunghyun laughs even louder, holding his stomach.

But the playful hit doesn’t stay long  because Seunghyun’s contagious laugh hit Jiyong all the same, ending with both of them laughing together, eyes pooling with tears of joy. He wondered if those eyes will crinkle brightly at his fiancée the same way as it does to Seunghyun. That day, Seunghyun had his biggest laugh after a long time.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Let’s get some food down the street” Seunghyun suddenly announces, crashing through the recording room. He slides on the couch next to Jiyong.

“I’m not too sure about that. Hyunsuk hyung probably doesn’t like the idea and the last thing I want is to be caught by those leech reporters” Jiyong wags his finger at Seunghyun.

“We won’t. It’s 3 in the morning. Who the hell is awake aside from us? Don’t you miss the time when we’re trainees, walking around the city eating street food?” there’s still hesitation found in Jiyong’s face. Seunghyun places his hand on Jiyong’s inner thigh and shakes it lightly.

“Come on. It’ll be fun. Remember the tteobeokki food stall that was replaced by the French restaurant down the street? I got its new address and even asked them to open especially for us. You like those, didn’t you?”

“Oh god, I almost forgot that you have this adventurous side of you” Jiyong shakes his head in disbelieve, grinning back at Seunghyun.

And Seunghyun takes it as an approval, grabbing Jiyong’s hand and lead them out of the room.

The rumours still have yet to die down even after two weeks. Not when Jiyong’s fiancée’s lack of presence inside YG’s building. And definitely not with Jiyong keeps on missing with Seunghyun to go on whatever escapade their brain decided to pop up with. Seunghyun didn’t ask Jiyong about his missing in action’s fiancée and did not even plan to pry about the status of his relationship.

As soon as they finished eating, both of them decided to stroll down the empty street to get a breath of fresh air. It begins to rain heavily when they were walking passed by the corner of the street. Taking off his coat, Seunghyun puts it over Jiyong’s head and pulls the younger’s wrist.

They manage to run under a closed shop, near a construction site that seemed to be pretty much abandoned. The street is empty. Jiyong takes out his phone and plays his music playlist. He hands Seunghyun one of the earphone. Both of them hums the song together and sometime sings out loud. Jiyong’s head fell on Seunghyun unconsciously as his eyelids close. Seunghyun lets him be, pulling Jiyong’s cap lower so it could block any light from disturbing his sleep.

Suddenly, Jiyong’s phone blared out of the blue. It reads _My Fiancee_ across the screen. His heart drops in seconds as Jiyong wakes up at the sound of his phone, quickly getting up to answer the call. Seunghyun looks down at his lap, eyes wavering.

He has been on the cloud nine with his blossoming relationship with Jiyong until the abrupt phone call, crashing him back into reality. What is he going to do? What else left for him to do? Seunghyun covers his face in his palm, Jiyong is getting married. He is going to be someone else’s husband, someone else’s father and Seunghyun is not going to take part in it. Jiyong’s going to leave Seunghyun.

“Hyung, I need to go _—_ ” Seunghyun’s stomach lurches.

“Don’t go” Seunghyun grabs Jiyong abruptly, eyes still looking down at his lap. The fingers curls around Jiyong’s wrist tighten.

“Hyung?” Jiyong calls him weakly, brow flies up.

Seunghyun takes a deep, steadying breath and stands up until he is peering down at Jiyong. Looking into those brown eyes, he speaks with a firm tone. “I said don’t go. Don’t go to her, Jiyong”

_“What made you comeback, hyung?”_ Seunghyun can hear Daesung’s voice in his head.

Within a swift, Seunghyun pulls Jiyong into a hug, circling his arms around his waist and pulls Jiyong close against his chest. Jiyong gasps subtly as his body wrapped in warmth. He tries to wriggle out weakly which only encourages Seunghyun to tighten his grip around Jiyong’s waist, digging his chin between the juncture of his neck and shoulder.

“Do you still have feelings for me, Jiyong?” Seunghyun whispers.

“Seunghyun hyung—”

“The whole time I was there, I realized that my feelings for you have never stopped” Seunghyun breathes out. His eyes waver and his jaw tightens unconsciously. Jiyong stills in his arm.

“Give me a chance, please” Seunghyun pleads. His voice was firm without a tint of reluctance and it sounds pathetic to his ears. He places a gentle kiss on his earlobe, pressing there for a moment. He can feel Jiyong tenses upon the action. He tries again. Pulling Jiyong away, Seunghyun cups the chubby cheeks in his palm and slowly leaning forward.

“Stop” Seunghyun’s heart fell as soon as Jiyong shoves him away. His lips only managed to graze slightly against Jiyong’s cheeks as the guy turns his face around, looking away. The younger one squats down, taking off his cap and ruffles his messy hair. Seunghyun felt his stomach lurched, half-lidded eyes looking down at the floor.

“Why are you doing this?” he watches Jiyong standing up back again, cap in hand. Seunghyun notices that Jiyong’s voice sounds colder, didn’t miss a fist clenching at his sides. Seunghyun huffs feebly.

“I just thought that maybe there is still hope for me” Seunghyun whispers close, gently touches Jiyong’s tight fist and splays the palm open. “Even a little bit”, entwining their fingers together, Seunghyun smiles in satisfaction.

As expected, their hands matches like puzzles, same as three years ago. When Jiyong’s sleepy voice was humming to a tune, back was pressed warm against Seunghyun’s chest while the other inhaled the other’s familiar scent. Hands intertwined together.

“I've already made my choice, hyung, and it's not you” Jiyong reminds him.

Beautiful memories from three years ago fade into black in instant. Seunghyun’s grip loosens and Jiyong takes a few steps back, looking at him with a hard gaze.

“You did. And—I know that I should feel happy seeing you're happy” Seunghyun swallows thickly, throat turns dry in a sudden.

“But do you want to know something?” He holds in his breathe again, gritting his teeth. His smile cracks.

“Every time I lose all hope, you come and make me feel alright again. It made me feels like we can start all over again” Seunghyun explains, despair reflects in his orbs.

“You can’t do this to me, hyung. It’s not fair” Jiyong backs away, faltering in his steps.

“Before this, you told me that I can’t give up on you, Jiyong” Seunghyun can hear his voice raises, furious. The other guy doesn’t say anything but just stare at Seunghyun. Mouth kept mum, shut. Seunghyun doesn’t understand this, he bit his inner cheek. Why.

“You told me that I can’t give up on us no matter what happens. What happened to that?” he advances forward, hand reaching out for Jiyong. But the latter is not smiling neither looking at him and Seunghyun is saddened by this fact. He doesn’t get it. It looks as if—

“You already did the moment you left me hanging three years ago, hyung” Jiyong finally meet him in the eye, voice low and stoic. He’s guarded. Seunghyun stiffens in his spot, arms dangling by his side as he stares.

It’s as if Jiyong’s heart closed up.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The next morning, Seunghyun wakes up with swollen eyes, bitter taste lingers on his tongue. His head is pounding loudly. A bitter fragrance of a coffee enters his nose and an unmistakable hums sounds loud in his ear. The couch dips as someone takes a sit next to him, pushing his legs away.

“You’re going to hurt your back if you continue sleeping here, hyung” Daesung says. Seunghyun pushes himself sitting straight, groaning in response. It’s not like he can help it. He really doesn’t want to live his life feeling like a miserable idiot. He comes back with a hope that he can finally change his life but—

“Here, eat this” Daesung set a couple of painkillers on the coffee table with a glass of water by the side.

Seunghyun murmurs his thanks and grabs the tablets in his hand. He shoves it down his throat and takes a big gulp of water. God, his head is dizzy, Seunghyun holds his head. His head can’t stop pounding. Unknown to Seunghyun, Daesung saw this and snickers before pushing away Seunghyun’s hands. He massages the elder’s temple gentle, pressing at his head occasionally.

“What time did you go to sleep, hyung? You look horrible”

“Can’t remember” he slurs, just shaking his head because he certainly doesn’t remember when he climbed on the couch. Not when being consumed by alcohol all night long. He tugs the shirt he wore and sniffs, gagging at the strong smell of vomit and alcohol. It clings to him like another shirt. 

Seunghyun had arrived home alone, drunk last night. The manager had yelled at him for acting like nineteen-years old that just got rejected and all Seunghyun did was waved his hand, dismissing the other, chuckling like a mad man. He had heaved out at the door by the bathroom, vomiting his insides until he was left numb. Empty inside. Seunghyun doesn’t quite remember but he knew he didn’t go through sober last night. He has chugged almost five bottle of wine alone. He also had laughed loudly when he slipped on the bottle of wine, laughing till he could see nothing but tears in his eyes.

“Aren’t you too old for this, hyung?” Daesung shakes him out from his trance, looking at him with concern in his eyes. Seunghyun can only look at him in silence. He has no answer for that. Seeing how the other is not going to leave him any reply, Daesung squeezes his shoulder and stands up.

“I have to go. I made you coffee, it’s on the dining table. I have put your laundry in the washing machine, don’t forget to do your laundry after this. I’ve also thrown away the trash. And you should give your mum a call, she’s been wondering why you haven’t picking up her call these days” the younger guy grabs his jacket and drapes it over his broad shoulder.

“Oh, and Jiyong hyung asked me to give you this” Seunghyun watches him slips his hand inside his pocket and pulls out an envelope.

“Everyone already received theirs. Make sure to have a good rest and don’t drink too much” Daesung smiles widely at Seunghyun, patting Seunghyun’s shoulder before setting off to the door. Seunghyun returns his gaze back to the coffee table. The white envelope addressed to _Choi Seunghyun,_ a wedding invitation settling neatly in front him instantly makes him sick to the guts.

He got no one to blame but himself.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Seunghyun calls again at night when Spring hits, flower blooming almost everywhere in the city, when the clock almost strikes midnight, and definitely when he could barely think straight. On his hand is half-finished cigarette and he inhales the smoke, lowering his gaze to look at the pile of cigarette butts on the ground. There is a click, drawing Seunghyun to chew at his lower lips, hesitating.

“You’re supposed to say something after dialling someone’s number, hyung”

“How—”

“I didn’t just know you yesterday, hyung”

“Good point” Seunghyun chuckles weakly. It dies down as soon as it starts, tensions clinging in his nerves. Sparks on his cigarette is slowly dying out, moments passing by. Flicking the cigarette butt, Seunghyun opts to dig his nails on his knee, scraping his fingertips only to leave red marks.

After a long silence between them, Jiyong clears his throat and opens his mouth.

“Seunghyun hyung” his voice is soft, “Is everything okay? You stopped coming to YG building these days. I didn’t see around anymore” tone deep, completely laced with sleep.

“You know why I didn’t come anymore, Jiyong” Seunghyun sighs. It is redundant question. Jiyong is not that clueless, he just acts like one sometimes but never plain clueless.

“So is this you running away from me again, hyung? If it is, I’m disappointed”

Seunghyun can hear pain in laces in the other’s voice and he has to close his eyes, will away everything that is teetering around the edge and sorts his mind. Jiyong has become mute on the other side and Seunghyun lets a long silence stretches out between them once again. His throat clogs and his eyes are beginning to water, guilty and regret fills up his chest once again.

“I’m sorry about last time. I shouldn’t have—”

“There’s nothing to forgive, hyung. It’s not your fault” Seunghyun scoffs at this, a bitter smile hanging at the end of his lips.

“You said the same thing when I accidentally deleted our song demo” A rumble of laughter at the other line makes Seunghyun pulls at his hair, smiling painfully at the receiver. Jiyong always laughs at everything he said, doesn’t matter if it makes sense or not. The younger never fail to grin at whatever Seunghyun did and Seunghyun hates that it affects him too.

“This reminds me that one time when I crashed your car’s headlight. You didn’t even get mad at me but asked me if I was okay” Seunghyun speaks up, feeling his mouth curls.

“Yeah, I was so startled that time. Thank god that nothing happened. Although, I did spend a lot on fixing the headlights thanks to certain someone” a rustle of sheets heard along with a light laugh.

“It’s not like you can’t afford it, Mr. Millionanire” Seunghyun says, voice teasing. The pain in his smile fades a little as his mind recalls something.

“Hey, do you remember when we just debuted in Japan and got lost in the city? You were so scared that we can’t go back to Korea and I have to assure you so many times that nothing’s going to happen. Luckily, I got some money for us to go back to the hotel”

“Gosh, I remembered that I kept on clinging to you. We talked a lot that night. Both of us wandering around the city without managers. I missed those days”

 “Me too” Seunghyun breathes, looking up. He missed both of them talking all night long, he missed them joking around but he missed Jiyong mostly.

He bits his inner cheek when he sees Jiyong walks out to the balcony, comfortably tucked in a robe. If Jiyong looks down across the road, he could have easily spot Seunghyun in his large coat and Seunghyun wishes Jiyong would catch a sight of him. He wishes so bad that Jiyong could see how lonely he is, so that Jiyong will give him another chance and they can be together again.

“Jiyong, I—”

And then, there’s a noise on the other line. Seunghyun pauses, blinking.

Just like a balloon punctured with a needle, his hope vanished within seconds as soon as he sees Jiyong wraps his arm around his fiancée, under moonlight. It’s like a knife stabbed into his heart over and over again.

Muffles of sweet voice in the background and he can hear Jiyong responds with a hearty laugh and there are unfamiliar giggles ringing in his ear. The atmosphere on the other side seems light, brighter. His world in comparison, seems paler. And suddenly, Seunghyun wishes he never come at all.

“Sorry—What were you saying?” He can totally hear the smile in Jiyong’s words as he speaks. There’s no doubt about it. He hesitates for a while.

“I forgot” Seunghyun says easily with a heavy heart, looking down at countless cigarette butts on the ground. The words _I miss you_ died in his throat. He ruffles his hair, “It’s nothing”

“I have to go” His eyes are stinging so he looks up at the dark sky. He knows that he doesn’t have the right to get upset at Jiyong because Jiyong is no longer his. Seunghyun had imagined the pain that comes with it. Still, the pain lingers and it hurts a ton more than he expected.

“Night, Jiyong” he whispers.

Seunghyun ends the call without a second thought, not even waiting for a response. After taking a last glance at the sight of the couple, he turns around. Pulling the cap down his face, he wanders around the empty street for a while before catches a sight of his manager with a car parked by the road.

“Where to now?” his manager asks, eyes fixes on him from the mirror. Seunghyun purses his lips and thinks really carefully.

“I—don’t know” he says, mouth trembling, because he sincerely doesn’t know where else to go. He decides to give Youngbae’s home address since the younger’s house is just nearby his. And Seunghyun definitely need some distractions. He doesn’t have the guts to be alone, he’s afraid that he might cry himself to sleep again.

Rolling down the car’s window, Seunghyun swallows a mouthful of air. A thorn stuck in one corner of his heart, the pain lingers. Seunghyun shuts his eyes close, letting cold wind blows at his skin. It’s going to be hard for him to sleep again tonight. It’s probably because of the coffee he drank, or his insomnia that never seem to get better. He can’t figure it out why.

Snapping his eyes open, Seunghyun takes out a wrinkled folded paper from his pocket. The apology letter he has written three years  back in the studio was clutched in his hand. It was meant to be given to Jiyong to mend their broken relationship, to drop his ego and say sorry. But years passed and the crumpled paper is still in his possession. Nearly torn.

Seunghyun wonders—if maybe, he’s just regretting for the scars he left Jiyong.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The sky is cloudy above their head when Seunghyun tells Kim Yura that he doesn’t love her, saying that he has someone else the entire time they’re together. He tells her that he can’t lie to himself anymore and says he feels guilty for leading her on. The girl shakes her head, looking completely surprise at the sudden statement. He can’t say he didn’t expect the slap across his cheek but Seunghyun can only bows his head in apology.  Seunghyun doesn’t offer her a ride back home and walks away as soon as possible. He can’t bear to see tears welling up in her eyes.

His mind can’t stop thinking and Seunghyun can almost hear his brain processing, driving him crazy. He’s having trouble in sleeping again so Seunghyun does what he does best. He drinks and drinks, until his eyes are red in exhaustion and face bloated from alcohol. He curls his fist as if searching, grasping for something yet all he feels is cold bed under his palm.

His phone is out of reach. Seunghyun doesn’t remember where’s the last time he puts it away and ponders if there’s anyone contacted him on the phone, if there’s any missed calls or unread messages left. He sleeps with Jiyong’s name at the tip of his tongue.

The moment he wakes up, his head is pounding loudly and his shirt smells like vomit. Again. Seunghyun trips and falls down the stairs later.

“I tripped” was his casual answer when Seungri paid a visit to his house, asking him why he is limping.

“You’ve been hurting yourself a lot these days, hyung” Seungri says.

“Yeah, I’ve been careless lately” Seunghyun doesn’t see the pity look painted all over the younger’s face, doesn’t hear the loud sigh under his breathe. He is just too caught up with the pain in his chest.

“Maybe you should start looking in front while walking, instead of looking back” Seungri counters quietly. Seunghyun pulls back his messy hair before scratching at his nape.

“I am looking in front” this time, Seunghyun fixes his eyes on his friend.

“You’re _not_ ” Seungri emphasizes in a sharp tone and Seunghyun is not sure if they’re talking about walking anymore at this point.

_Move on,_ those eyes seem to say.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“I dreamt of Charlie” Seunghyun croaks as soon as Jiyong opens the door to his apartment.

Seunghyun has been squatting outside of Jiyong’s house, with a cigarette between his fingers. It was raining heavily tonight and Seunghyun had run out of his home in his pyjamas with a layer of jacket to protect him from the cold. He was drenched and cold to the bone. He had come to Jiyong’s house with a wish of being welcomed with layers of warmth and love. Seunghyun didn’t get the second one but Jiyong still welcome him with warmth and layers of clean cloth.

“I can’t believe you get drunk just from eating ice cream” the younger chuckles, appearing from the balcony once he finished his call. It must have been his fiancée, seeing how dazzling the smile plasters on the younger’s face. Seunghyun darts his eyes across the room, avoiding from looking at the other.

“I mixed it with some of your expensive wine. Hope you don’t mind” Seunghyun hums as he scoops another from the container and engulfs it into his mouth. Seunghyun shuts his eyes, its cold.

“That explains it” Jiyong grabs the towel on Seunghyun’s shoulder and ruffles his black hair, drying it. The familiarity in action makes Seunghyun feels nauseous, stomach twisting uncomfortably.

“I’m sorry for bothering you out in this late night. I just don’t know who to talk to” his finger grips at the spoon, knuckles slowly turning white.

“It’s fine, hyung. My parents are out of the town and it’s not like I’m doing anything anyways” Seunghyun nods because he knows, he has heard from Youngbae that Jiyong is going to stay alone at home tonight without any company. Without his parents. Without his fiancée.

“I’m just feeling so sad. Charlie has been dead for years now” Seunghyun can feel his cheeks flush and probably on the way getting drunk. Hands drying his hair stops altogether, then there is a soft hush.

“It’s been years, hyung. And everyone in this world will leave somehow so don’t get too worked up. I’m sure you’ll be fine” The hands now trail from his head to rest at his shoulders, calmly massaging his muscles as if calming him.

“He’s gone, Jiyong. I can’t believe I can’t even take care of him” rather than loosening up, Seunghyun finds him getting tense, anger boiling inside him. He puts down the spoon and leave the ice cream melts inside the container.

“I’m so selfish” Seunghyun says.

“He was always there beside me whenever I’m alone but when he was sick I can’t even be there for him, always busy neglecting him with schedules. He must have been so sad that I’ve taken him for granted. Isn’t it, Jiyong?” the air is suffocating him. His heart is heavy with burdens and the stare Jiyong’s boring on top of his head makes his knees go weak.

“Do you think he wouldn’t have dead if I take care of him more diligently?” he sincerely asks, eyes glassy, unblinking.

“He’s been sick for a very long time, hyung. It’s not your fault” A hand rubbing circles at Seunghyun’s back makes his stomach flips. The younger turns his chair around to face each other, pulling him closer. Seunghyun finds Jiyong staring at him with a hard gaze, sitting down right across him. Warm and fuzzy feelings cling to his chest and stays there.

“You don’t know—” Seungyun begins, shaking his head in return. Jiyong doesn’t know. He doesn’t know the nights Seunghyun spent contemplating, the nights Seunghyun spared himself from sleeping. Almost every night he wakes up in beads of sweats, tossing and turning, feeling restless. Regrets.

“It has always been my fault” he hisses sharply, hitting his fist on his head hard, reprimanding himself before he rests his curled fist by his side.

“Lee Hyemi, Kim Yura, Charlie—You” Seunghyun chokes, holding Jiyong’s gaze.

“Everything” he breathes out, blinking back tears.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It was August, a few weeks before the final ceremony, and Jiyong had decided to come to the wedding boutique to try out his tailored tux. He has been staring intensely as soon as Jiyong comes out from the fitting room. Jiyong looks gorgeous in his wedding tux, the white colour suits him. The colour never fails to make Jiyong glows.

“You need to stop looking at me like that” Jiyong suddenly announces out of the blue. His voice is low yet the sharp tone didn’t go unnoticed.

He snaps out of his thoughts. Seunghyun blinks once, twice after he realizes Jiyong is staring at him. The look somehow looks sympathetic with a glaze of disappointment at the same time. Seunghyun bites his inner cheeks, eyes tearing because he remembers, he used to say the same thing to Jiyong before. It’s funny how it’s his turn to look like a fool in front of Jiyong.

“You’re making this hard, hyung” Jiyong doesn’t turn around. Instead, he watches Seunghyun’s reflection in the mirror. Seunghyun feels immensely guilty. He has been trying but it is so hard to like nothing is wrong. If only he could get rid of this affection, if only he could rid of this hatred toward himself.

Jiyong weakly shakes his head and let in hang, Seunghyun gulps saliva down his throat as his heart stutters. Seunghyun winces subtly as embarrassment clenches to his nerve, blood rushed up to his face. He doesn’t fond of the expression on Jiyong’s face. The other walks down the stage and  passes him. Seunghyun circles his hand around Jiyong wrist, halting his track.

“What went wrong, Jiyong?” Seunghyun decides to ask. He is not sure what does he want Jiyong to say. What is he actually expecting from his former boyfriend that’s going to get married in a couple of weeks? The shorter one is not looking at him. He sighs. Seunghyun gently turns his head around by his cheek and rests his palm right there until Jiyong’s finally meets his eyes.

“Nothing. Except for we changed” Jiyong says, pulling away from his touch. His body turns cold in seconds.

“I guess it’s too late to turn back things around, huh” Seunghyun tries to plasters a natural yet fail as his lips begins to frown halfway.

“It is”

“Time sure flies fast” Seunghyun says, stuffing his hands in his pockets, he laughs half-heartedly, “There are so many things change that I can barely catch up”

“It’s not” Jiyong squeezes Seunghyun’s shoulder, his smile is crooked. Seunghyun doesn’t like it at all, he didn’t say it. He is looking right into Seunghyun’s eyes now, watching as tears begins to well in his eyes.

“It’s just you’re stuck in the past while everyone is already moving forward”

Maybe, it’s Seunghyun’s fault for thinking that Jiyong will come around. Maybe if Seunghyun had thrown away his pride and selfishness, rather go and apologize to Jiyong instead like Seungri had advised, none of this would happen.

He wouldn’t hurt this much.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Can you stay with me tonight?” Seunghyun needs cigarettes.

“You and I both know the answer, hyung” Jiyong answers him in a quiet tone.

This time, Seunghyun had sent Jiyong a series of random messages, bombarded the other’s inbox with nonsense and felt utterly miserable when Jiyong didn’t texted him back. No, he was dying inside so he had called Jiyong again. He was mad at Jiyong for neglecting him so pushed the button to nag at the younger, yet as soon as the other pick up, Seunghyun turned silent.

_I think I’m dying_ , was the only thing he said to Jiyong and the line cut off. It took roughly about fifteen minutes for Jiyong to arrive at Seunghyun’s villa, panting hard. The elder just welcomed him with a glass of wine without a sense of guilt and pulled him to sit opposite of him.

Seunghyun reaches out for the neck of the bottle and pours him another glass. His vision is getting hazy and the world doesn’t stop spinning. But the pain lingering in his chest doesn’t seem to go away. If anything, it triples, hurting him even more. He swirls the glass in his hand before speaking again.

“I know but it’s getting really lonely with me here alone in this big villa and—I missed us, you know—and I just want to be like the old times like we used to, talk until the sun comes up while cuddling together in my bed and”

“I can’t. I have someone waiting for me at home, hyung” Jiyong cuts him off. He watches Jiyong circles to the rim of the glass with his index finger lazily. The glass is still full to the brim, remains untouched.

“You have, huh” Seunghyun nods, understands that nothing he could say to change the other’s mind. He chugs the glass in one shot and wipes the corner of his mouth, half-laughing at the mess around him, at the pity reflects inside Jiyong’s gaze, most of all, at himself. Seunghyun drops his head face down at the table.

Fuck, he feels pathetic.

“ ’M s’rry” Seunghyun slurs both weakly and vaguely, unblinking.

“What? I can’t hear you” Jiyong asks with a hint of frustration. A scratching noise fills the room, chair pushes back and Seunghyun can see Jiyong walking towards him.

A hand pulls him up and Jiyong is speaking to him, mouth moving a little too quickly for his blurry mind to catch. Just from watching Jiyong, a sense of fulfilment waves through him, melting his inside and Seunghyun wishes he can stare at the other like this forever. He wishes they never broken up in the first place.

“That’s it. You’re drunk. Don’t go anywhere. I’m going to fetch you water” the shorter one says and turns his back, only to be stopped by the tug on his shirt.

“Jiyong, does it hurt like this back then?”

“When I left you, did you feel like torn into shredded pieces?” Seunghyun sputters, timidly looking at the ground. He is not sure what else he wants to say. A heavy sigh escapes his lips as he grips tight on the hem of Jiyong’s shirt, not letting the boy leave the room. He blinks as he feels hot tears in his eyes.

Brown orbs are far from Seunghyun’s reach and instead of lips curls in a sweet smile, Jiyong has them clasps tight in a thin line. It is quite unfamiliar image for Seunghyun because it’s not the usual bubbly and kind Jiyong that he used to see.

“If—If you did, I’m so sorry” Seunghyun whispers under the piercing silence, lips quivering as he holds back his sobbing.

Seunghyun doesn’t move, doesn’t even dare to breath.

But once he feels Jiyong’s hands runs his fingers through his black jet hair, he can feel himself trembles. At this time, Jiyong pulls him closer to bury Seunghyun’s face into his shirt. Warm caresses turns into consoling pats so Seunghyun braves himself and circles his arms around Jiyong’s waist.

“I’m really fucking sorry, Jiyong” Clutching onto Jiyong’s back, Seunghyun pours his heart out and weeping sadly, digging his nose deeper into the other’s stomach. Only mumbles of incoherent apologies and choked sobbing heard throughout the room.

“You know that I can never get mad at you for a long time, hyung” Jiyong’s voice sounds so frail in Seunghyun’s ear. A hand caresses at Seunghyun’s nape before trailing to back to stroke his black hair. Seunghyun can’t see his face but he knows that the other probably tears up as well. The other is not really good at hiding his feelings in front of Seunghyun anyway.

That night, Seunghyun’s reels back through memories that he should have buried years ago. Seunghyun remembers the first time they had an official date at a restaurant, Jiyong had himself covered up from head to toe and he was grinning from ear to ear.  Seunghyun remembers how easy for Jiyong to read him. He always be the first person to find Seunghyun whenever he’s in a bad mood. Jiyong had smiled sweetly at him, shaking a bottle of wine after coming to his villa uninvited and Jiyong would lend Seunghyun his ear, listened through all of his insecurities and difficulties.

Seunghyun remembers how happy Jiyong was when Seunghyun invited him to his film premiere. Seunghyun also remembers the guilt clung to his chest when he had pulled away his hands from Jiyong when his co-star passed by them. Seunghyun remembers coming back to Jiyong’s warmth that night because Jiyong never leaves him cold. Jiyong always understands and Seunghyun kissed him on the slope of his shoulder for forgiveness.

Seunghyun also remembers the night he curls his hand around Jiyong’s wrist and screamed out loud. The tiredness and fatigue has taken toll on him and everything irritated the hell out of him, including Jiyong. He remembers how Jiyong had winced in pain when Seunghyun pushed him away, shutting him out.

Three years is a pretty long time.

But Seunghyun figures, it is still not long enough to forget the memories.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Youngbae and Daesung are busy discussing when Seunghyun comes in, hands fixing the tie tight around his neck. Both of them smiles and greets him in return. He scans through every corner and searches for the familiar figure, slowly pulling a frown when Jiyong is nowhere to be found.

“Where’s the groom?” Seunghyun asks, eyebrows knits together.

“Freaking out in the garden. The wedding is in an hour. You need to talk to him, hyung” Seungri comes and hands him a glass of wine but Seunghyun rejects him with a smile. It brings surprise on the younger’s face, soon, fading into a grin. Seungri nods his head in understanding and nudges towards the garden outside.

“Jiyong” Seunghyun greets the guy who’s sitting on a bench. Jiyong looks a little taken aback for a second but slowly ease his shoulders and smiles at him. The groom looks nervous, feet tapping against the ground anxiously with eyes darting across the garden.

“I thought you stopped” Seunghyun asks, teasing as he nods at Jiyong’s fingers that have a cigarette stuck between them. Jiyong ducks down his head in embarrassment when he realizes what Seunghyun meant and touches his nape, shying away from Seunghyun’s stare.

“Hyung, I can’t do this” Jiyong finally speaks up what’s on his mind. His fingers toss the cigarette on the ground and steps on it, sighing hard as he pulls his knees closer to his chest. His bowtie is slightly askew, sleeves folded nicely, showing his arms.

“Seungri almost lose the ring and Yougbae picked a wrong bow tie and Tukutz hyung is wearing orange tuxedo to my wedding. You know how I feel about bright orange. I hate it, it gives me a headache. I can tell this, this is definitely a sign of a bad omen” he breathes out, unbuttoning his tux. Seunghyun slides his hand on his knees and grip on it, white-knuckled and tense.

“I’m calling off the wedding” Jiyong turns to look at Seunghyun.

“Don’t be stupid” Seunghyun mutters light-heartedly.

“You’re just getting cold feet. It’s fine. Everything will be alright” Seunghyun tries assuring him, putting a hand on Jiyong’s shoulder but instantly drops it as soon as he feels the warmth. Seunghyun shakes his head absent-mindedly. Space. Right, he needs to remember all these rules, the boundaries.

“I’m not sure if I’m ready for this. A marriage is a big responsibility.  I don’t know how I think I can even handle a pregnant woman” It’s a good thing that Jiyong is looking at his palm because Seunghyun can feel the smile on his face is somewhat forced. Seunghyun folds his legs and looks up at the sky, its sunny day and a bit windy, definitely a good choice to have wedding.

“You’ll do great, Jiyong. I know you will” but Jiyong keeps on shaking head and whines, doesn’t believe in him. Seunghyun grins at the other’s action, still so childish.

“Come on, do you want to hear my speech? I’ll read it for you” this time Seunghyun manages to pull his bait as Jiyong looks up hesitantly, peeking from his folded arms. Seunghyun laughs and takes out a crumpled note from his pocket.

“Dear, Kwon Jiyong. You are the most horrible leader I’ve ever have” Seunghyun tries to duck before Jiyong hit him but that earns him a shove at his side, he hisses in pain and continues.

“Thank you so much for everything. Please smile a lot more often in the future. I hope you’re happier after this marriage. I’ll pray for your happiness and a long-lasting marriage and like always, as your best friend, I’ll watch you do well from afar. Good luck, Jiyong” Seunghyun catches his breath and waits, watches Jiyong expectantly from the corner of his eyes.

“It’s that all? Let me see” Jiyong tries to snatch it from his hand but Seunghyun’s quicker, crumpling it into his palm, fist curls in a ball. Shoulders dropping down when Seunghyun snickers at him, Jiyong frowns at him.

“Hyung, that’s too short. You should’ve written more for me” Jiyong whines and Seunghyun sighs in relief, glad to see other getting calmer now.

“Are you okay now?” Seunghyun smirks. Jiyong just shrugs off his shoulder with a nonchalant expression.

“Hey” Seunghyun nudges him by the elbow, “As long as I’m here, I’ll make sure that nothing will go wrong”

“Okay” Jiyong gives him a weak smile and nods, straightening his legs. He starts buttoning his shirt and Seunghyun leans back, easing his heart as he watches Jiyong muttering countless of ‘ _I can do this’_ under his breath.

“Seunghyun hyung” Jiyong says, bumping their shoulders altogether.

“Thank you for coming” there is it, the blinding smile he has been waiting all along. It’s finally there because of Seunghyun. Instead of replying, Seunghyun can only chuckles, ruffling the younger’s hair.

“Hyung, you’ll mess up my hair. Tae hyun noona will get mad at me” Jiyong pouts, pushing his hand away and Seunghyun holds up his hand in apology. The younger guy pulls at his hair disdainfully, fixing his hair to look neat like the stylist has done but the more he tries, the more unkempt it turns out.

Seunghyun hums a familiar tune and taps his fingers on his thigh, looking around the garden. His left hand is still tight in possession of the crumpled note. He also tries not to lean at the warmth radiating next to him and closes his eyes. Tonight, he reminds himself, Seunghyun will throw it away, the crumpled note, the memories. Everything.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The sound of wedding bells ringing in his ear. It’s so loud and unfamiliar to his ears. Seunghyun is not sure if he really wanted this as he watches Jiyong takes his bride by hand and walks down the altar, hands fists by his side tightly.

Seungri  has been appointed as the MC of the day, talking a little bit too ecstatically as people applauds and cheers for the married couple and soon Youngbae is playing a piano in the corner while Daesung starts serenading a sweet song. The picture is almost familiar to Seunghyun, it looked like one of his dreams, awhile back in the days he used to tell Jiyong when their breath were only an inch away in a bed, hand in hand. It’s like his dream coming into life.

Except for this time it’s not Seunghyun that is on the altar reading vows. It’s not Seunghyun whom Jiyong had pulls into a passionate kiss after declaring ‘ _I do’_ in front of flashing cameras. He is not the cause of Jiyong’s wide gummy smiles any longer because for once Jiyong had successfully found someone to replace Seunghyun, who had willingly to pick up pieces of his broken heart and patches him alive back again. He had found someone that he can share his interest and secrets, a woman whom can actually give birth to his child and turns his dreams of building a happy family into coming true.

This is not even Seunghyun’s dream anymore. It’s a living nightmare. Seunghyun bit his inner cheek ever harder when Jiyong’s back turned on him, walking even further away and slowly turning into a small black dot which disappeared not soon after.

 

 

______________________________________________

 

 

_I wish I could turn back the time when we were happy…_

 

 

____________________________________

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry but come at me and tell me how you feels :( comments and kudos are highly appreciated as always! Thank you for reading :D

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and Kudos are highly appreciated! Cross posted on AFF :)


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